I Am a Grown Ass Man

I cannot even begin to tell everyone reading this how many times I have heard people in prison say this phrase, “I am a grown ass man.”, without any exaggeration, I have heard this phrase at every single prison I have been to over the last seventeen years. It’s a phrase that prisoners use to boost their ego, in most instances it’s used when they need to try and convince themselves and others that what they are doing is justified. While it’s true that everyone in prison is a grown ass man, they trouble with them is they are not acting like one. This is why the people who use this phrase like to beat their chest and say it. They feel the need to tell everyone this because they know their actions are that of a child. I have yet to see one person who has used this phrase that wasn’t borderline mentally ill in my seventeen years. I am not saying this to belittle my fellow prisoner, but let’s face it, a grown ass man never needs to announce to everyone around him that he is, because a grown ass man’s actions will show everyone in his presence that he is. If you have confidence in yourself as a mature man, then you will conduct yourself as one.

I can remember seventeen years ago, when I was sentenced to thirty years in prison and shipped off to a maximum-security prison in Texas, the worst prison system in our whole country. The Texas Department of Criminal Justice is notoriously known for the harsh prison conditions and all the different gangs it has. Everyone that I had talked with in the county jail as I was waiting to leave for prison said to me, “Jay, when you get to prison, you will have to get with one of the white gangs.” I was told that it’s impossible to make it inside without running with a certain group, but all my life I have been a very independent man, the thought of joining a gang did not appeal to me, and even though I have met some really good men inside prison, truthfully the majority of the people in here are followers. `

I like to do my own thinking and that is exactly what I did when I arrived at my first max prison. Upon my arrival the first day, I was approached by a guy in the Aryan Brotherhood. During my first week, I met other white gang members in the Aryan Circle, White Knights and the Texas Mafia. I always listened to what they had to say, then just told them, “I appreciate what you said, but to be honest gang life isn’t for me.” They would say think about it and if you change your mind come talk to me.” Plus, by not joining any of these I was able to conduct myself as myself.

I watched for years how different people in these gangs had rules they had had to conduct themselves by and taking orders from the people who were running these gangs, who most of the time were idiots. So, by making the choice I did, I never had to answer to anyone but me. It was much better this way, because I could be myself. This paid off in the long run because I didn’t have to play a roll, all I had to do was be the man I was raised to be. It’s been nice through the years, and to be honest, I have had more respect from all the different races, than these guys who are gang members. Most people in prison believe they have an image to live by, that is usually this stand-up tough guy gangster dude, but truthfully, that is not who most of them are. Some of them have played this roll so long that they even believe this is who they are. That is until something happens and they’re either forced with the decision to fight and kill someone or someone sees they are really just a scared guy who lives in a fantasy world.

Most of the men in here don’t understand it’s not the toughest guy that has all of the respect, it’s the man who conducts himself as a man. If the people in prison would take a look back at some of the biggest gangsters in American history, like Carlo Gambino, who was a very small man, that probably didn’t weigh a hundred and fifty pounds, or the most recent gangster from Mexico, El Chapo Guzman. While both of these men were not big tough guys, they both earned a lot of respect from the people around them. Trust me when I say neither of these men had to say, I am a grown ass man. The people who are grown ass men never, and I mean never have to stand up and announce to everyone who they are. I always looked at these men as very strange, I mean think about it for a moment, has anyone in their life ever seen your grandfather or dad stand up in the middle of the living room at home and tell everyone in the house, “I am a grown ass man.”? I am almost sixty and I have never in my life seen such ignorance as these men. When I was a kid, no one had to tell me that my dad was a man, especially him, because my dad took care of us. He took care of the cars, the house, all of us. Most boys grow up looking up to their dads, not because they were tough guys, or because they beat their chest and told us they were grown ass men. No one had to teach me to admire my father, I looked up to him because of his actions. Remember if you have to tell everyone what you are, there is a great chance that you are trying to convince yourself that you are this person, because everyone around you will already know the truth by how you conduct yourself. There is an old saying, “Actions speak louder than words.”

Let me give a good example, there is a guy in my cell block who spends every waking moment from the minute he gets up until he goes to sleep, smoking K-2. All day he walks around here blown out of his mind either listening to rap music or talking about absolutely nothing. I have listened to this guy try and convince everyone around him how he is the real gangster. How he had this car or he was selling keys in the world, but every time we go to the commissary, he isn’t able to go, and the few times he has gone, it looks like he has only bought around ten dollars’ worth of stuff. I have heard this guy say several times to other prisoners and to a guard, “I am a grown ass man.” This is guy is a prime example of why I have written this chapter. I have heard so many men who are just like this idiot repeat this phrase throughout my years it’s unreal. I have to laugh sometimes, because what freaking man feels the need to tell everyone he is a grown ass man? I honestly believe they are not only trying to convince others around them, but themselves as well. I noticed a lot of the time, people who are saying this are usually doing something stupid, or saying something stupid, and they feel a need to justify themselves. Being a man has nothing to do with your words, only your actions can show everyone that you’re a man. I even asked a guy one time that I knew, why he always felt the need to say that phrase to everyone. He said, “Because everyone is always telling me what to do.” This guy was taking the money his mom and dad were sending him, using it to get high and gamble, then walk around asking everyone for a cup of coffee or a soup to eat. Naturally after a while people would try to point out to this idiot that he had a good income from mom and dad, maybe he should stop getting high and gambling. That is when he would say, “I am a grown ass man.” So, I pointed out to this guy, “is spending all your money on K-2 and gambling the actions of a grown ass man?”, He said, “It’s my money Jay, I can do what I want.” I said, “While that is true, that’s not what I asked you. Is spending the money your mom and dad work for on K-2 and gambling, then expecting everyone in here to help you with coffee, food, and whatever else you need, the actions of a grown ass man?” Of course, he just looked at me and said the same thing, “It’s my money.”

People like this idiot, fail to look at that he received more money than a lot of people he would ask to help him. I am a grown ass man people are no closer to being a man than a dog is. Being a grown ass man is not standing up announcing it to everyone. A grown ass man shows everybody what he is by his actions, not by his words.