IT’S ALL ABOUT ME

by Jay Goodman

I have always wondered if prisoners have ever taken a serious look at their past? I mean one thing is for sure, everyone in here has a past. Most criminals didn’t just wake up one day and decide to break the law. But throughout my time I have heard hundreds of men talk about or tell me what upstanding people they were on the streets. To listen to them, it’s like they haven’t ever did anything wrong in the criminal world. I will hear them say, I live by the code, I don’t break the rules for everyone. But when you’re in prison with someone for years, eventually you will see the real side of them. Either in the way they act, or buy the things they say. I noticed that a lot of these men will talk about others in here. I laugh at times because they sound like a bunch of old women. They will say, do you know what this guy did? Do you see how he runs around with his dude? Or this guy is a rat, or this guy is a sex offender. This man runs around with his group of men, they are all scumbags. I have heard people even talk about their own family. After everything I’ve done for my family, I told them I needed them to do this for me, and they are dragging their feet and getting it taken care of. Wait until I get outside, and one of them asked me for a favor. The list goes on and on. Most prisoners truly believe that the world revolves around them, and if it doesn’t happen as fast as they like, they get mad and talk bad about whoever they are upset with. It could be their wife, children, or even their mom and dad. No one is scared from it’s all about me, prisoners.

I have seen these prisoners have friends in here that they run around with. They get along very well, but the first time one of them does something wrong, or doesn’t agree with him about something, all of a sudden, I hear them say, I am going to pull back from the sky. If someone asked why? You were here, well I don’t agree with how he’s acting. Or I see another side of this guy, and I’m not liking what I’m seeing. Of course, I can’t help but think, who in the hell do you know in life that hasn’t had something that you haven’t agreed with? I am going on 60 years Old, and I have had disagreements with my mom, dad, brothers, wife, and children. Guess what, its life, people have their own ideas, and sometimes it’ll be different than how you think, or feel. After 17 years almost in prison, these types of prisoners have been very strange to watch. Of course, it’s all about me prisoners live in a freaking fantasy world.

I have wondered if they truly believe in their minds that this person, they think they are, it’s actually them? Or do they actually believe everyone around them believes they are this perfect dude? I am sure when people read this their first response will be, I don’t believe I’m perfect. And of course I will say, why in the hell, do you expect everyone else around you to be held to your standard?

Of course, the people I’m talking about will talk this tough game. They not only want to be looked at like this thoroughbred gangster and convict, but in their minds, they dream of being this. What most of them don’t get is they are trying so hard to put this front on that they lose reality of the man they truly are.

It’s impossible to look at yourself and make changes that would better your life, when you are caught up in this type of thinking. These guys are so caught up with the way they want everyone to look at them, that they become almost obsessed with how prison is run.

As for myself, I truly don’t give a shit if this guy is an upstanding convict, or if he is a piece of shit. Because at the end of the day all that matters is how I am. You see, if I am in a cell Block with a guy who’s a sex offender or if he is an informant. It has nothing to do with me. The guy does it make me look bad or look good. I don’t need to use these types of people to make me look good. Because I am only responsible for myself. Each day all that matters is me, how I conduct myself. I have enough trouble dealing with Jay, I don’t give these types of people any of my energy. By hating others, or miss treating others is not going to make me a better man. I have learned that if I miss treat someone, I’ll be miss treated. If I hate, I’ll be hated. For most people who read this that’s caught up in prison life, they’ll think I’m crazy. But if they would take a little time and contemplate what I am saying they would see I’m right. What good is it for you, to spend every minute of your time in this place worrying about the next guy? Or being caught up in prison life and all of the politics that go on. None of this shit will help you when you leave here.

I also want everyone who is reading this to think, why do you believe the administrator allows the federal prison system to be run like it is? Please, don’t be stupid enough to think that gangs, or the state cars are truly running this place. The administration could very easily lock down all of the gang members and enforce all kinds of new rules that would stop all of the politics that the prisoners seem to love so much. And if you think for a minute the administration isn’t in control, just try to leave and see what happens. They sit back and allow the shit that goes on in here, because they want division. They also realize that we are job security. It’s easy for them to manipulate everyone because the whole prison system is divided into many different gangs and state cars.

I’ve said it many times, the Romans used to say, divide and conquer. And since everyone is running around playing a part, thinking in their twisted mind that they’re this person Who lives by this stiff gangster code, it’s simple for the administration to use these freaking idiots against each other. And what’s even crazier, is the same stuff gangsters are not even supposed to be talking to the administration, let alone worrying about what they say about another prisoner. Because if one of these guards come to me, and say this guy is a sex offender or a rat. My response would be, why are you telling me this, if you think he needs beat or killed. You need to put your own work in. But, if a guard says something about another inmate, they’ll run right off to talk about what the guard said. I mean who’s to say this Garr didn’t just say this because he was mad with the guy?

And of course, it’s always the guy that wants to be seen. The guy that has nothing going on in his life, except his prison shit. I have heard these dudes say, we need to do this, or we need to do that. Notice the word we. In their minds they want everyone to think there’s someone, they believe prison Hass to be run like they think it should be. As I have said, it’s all about me. I sit back at times and listen to what some of these guys say, and the insanity of how they think amazes me. No matter who they are talking about, whether it’s the administration, either prisoners, or their own family. This is all about me people have it in their minds that they are always right.

I have listened to prisoner say, I told my wife, or someone else close to them that I needed this done right away. Again, it’s always what I want. Never s stopping to consider That whoever they are talking about isn’t in prison. They are in the free world, with other things going on in their lives. Like working for a living, having to pay bills, taking care of others who they love, maybe just enjoying time with friends. Sometimes we must take a second seat, because maybe our loved ones just don’t feel like doing shit. I have learned to look around me, to think about how my actions will affect others around me.

Most prisoners never take a minute and look at other people’s feelings in the free world. It’s always I need, I want, do this, do that. Like I keep saying, it’s all about me.