Untitled-324 by Jay Goodman

I have over seventeen years in prison and I am in a place in my life now where I feel good about myself. When I was sentenced back in 2005, I must admit prison was the last thing I thought would help me. Maybe I shouldn’t say prison helped me, because it wasn’t prison that changed me, it was the time. I really needed time to look at everything I did wrong and to come to an understanding that what I did not only affected me, but it affected the people who love me. I used to think that what I did illegally was going to help my family, because the money I made took them on trips, bought them things they wanted, and I would leave them homes and money when I died. I now realize how wrong I was, over time I started to see that I was actually hurting everyone who loved me. Sometimes coming to grips with our mistakes is a difficult thing to deal with. I wanted so hard for my family to know I was sorry, I struggled to explain this to my dad and mom when they were dying, even though they both assured me they loved me and even though our last words we ever spoke to each other was I love you, it took a lot of soul searching and time for me to come to a place of peace.

I have a lot of respect for time, especially now in my life. I used to be very sad knowing that I would spend many years in prison. It hurt me especially when my dad and mom were dying because I am their only child still alive and I felt very guilty not being there for them at the end of their lives. It still weighs heavy on my heart because I know they loved me very much, but over time I realized that I had a choice to either spend my life feeling sad and guilty, or to live a life they both would be proud of. That doesn’t mean those old feelings of being sad and guilty go away, I imagine they will forever sneak back inside me from time to time. I have learned over time that if I spend the rest of my life being sad because of my mistakes, I’ll never live the life my parents would be proud of. I know they loved me, they both spent their entire lives showing me, now in my life I realize how important it is to ask myself, is what I am doing now going to make my mom and dad proud? Is what I am doing going to lead me to become the best version of myself? Over time I have experienced both sadness and happiness, and only I get to choose which one I want to live with. Many have asked me, why are you always so cheerful and positive? My response is because I choose to be. Some will tell me, you’re right, but will still allow the sorrows of the past to steal their joys of today. A lot of people will say I have tried being positive, but I just can’t get over this sadness. My answer is usually, do you truly believe you’re the only person to feel this way? Every single man and woman on earth will experience sadness, loneliness, depression, or guilt over mistakes from our past.

I read a book once where people in a group were telling a doctor about how bad their childhood was. Some went on to say, my mom or dad drank all the time, I had to grow up way before my time. Then the doctor told them, “Look 85% of all families are dysfunctional, so no one in this group is unique. I lived in a house where my parents did drugs every day, both ended up dying from drug overdoses, but I still went to college and became a doctor, I have a wonderful wife and kids, my past is very much like everyone in this room.�? When I read this, it really showed me how right this doctor was. We all are a lot more alike than we realize. Some people grew up poor, some grew up middle class and some grew up rich, but no matter where we come from, all of us will experience the same thing, life. The only difference between the people in the group and the doctor himself, was they choose to dwell on the sorrows of their past, and the doctor chose to focus on the blessings of today. I hear people around me all the time say I am trying, but that just isn’t true. While some may actually believe that, they are still focused on the poor me thinking. It’s not that I am some kind of happy go lucky dude every day, I am a human being like the rest of the world. I have been in prison over seventeen years and I have experienced sorrow, anger, disappointment, like every other man, but I understand if I allow myself to only think about that, I’ll never be able to move in to becoming the best version of myself. Like I have said, prison didn’t change me, in fact if I would have trusted in prison, I would have spent all these years very depressed, but time did do wonders for me because I used this time to think. When sadness knocked at my door, I never allowed him to come in and take control. Today my life principle is this, who you become is infinitely more important than what you do or what you have.

This brings me into focus on change, growth and development, it challenges me to dedicate my efforts and energies to those activities that will help me to become the best version of myself. When an opportunity emerges in my life, I’ve learned to weigh it’s worth by asking myself these questions; will this opportunity help me to change, develop and grow? Will I become a better person by doing this? I believe most people never ask themselves these questions, because let’s face it, if they did we would not see people making the same bad choices over and over again. The journey of our soul is difficult, life can also be difficult, it is those who think or believe that life should be easy who end up the unhappiest. I know people who believe every day should be a party. They do everything in their power to live each day with this philosophy, but it’s facing our troubles, facing this thing we call life and facing our challenges that we grow mentally. When we do this, it’s then we will learn that our happiness comes from inside. The shape, form and content of our lives are determined by our decisions. Some of our decisions are small, while others are large, yet to some extent, each decision impacts not only what we do, but also what we become. Life comes down to a series of choices and decisions, we find ourselves constantly at a crossroads. There are a thousand possible paths and each of us must decide which path is best for us. I understand now that if I want to be happy, if I want to live a life that leads me to become the best version of myself, I have to choose the right path, and I know if I make the right decisions, then I am heading toward my dreams and becoming a better man, dad and person to everyone around me.

Philosophers hold that the being of something changeable consist not only of what is, but also of what it can be, that is potential. So, in the philosophical sense of being, as a person you consist not only of who you are now, but also of who you are capable of becoming at any moment in the future.